In the future, all you will have to do is eat, sleep and go to the loo; the machines will do the rest

In the popular film trilogy The Matrix, humankind exists in a virtual dreamworld. The real world as they know it is in fact a virtual-reality construct, created by intelligent machines. In real life, humans exist as nothing but sleeping, eating machines, grown to be processed for power for the robots.

Obviously, this is a ridiculous premise. Why on Earth would the robots bother constructing an intricate virtual recreation of the world and trick us into using it? Most of us would gladly opt for a life of tube-fed liquid-bound laziness with as little as 500 channels of cable to entertain us. Are we wrong?

That, at least, is the unavoidable conclusion suggested by the latest ingenious innovation in snack machines. Yes, the industry that brought you chilled crisps (ugh) and Snickers bars so hard they break your teeth has made another, more technically impressive great leap forward: face recognition.

Yes. We Are Not Kidding. Snack giants Kraft have invented a vending machine which uses crazy facial-scanning tech to guess - from the look on your face - what food you want. It figures out your age and gender, immediately narrowing the range down to a few depressingly cliched choices. Oh, look, a woman in her twenties, apparently alone! She'll be wanting chocolate, then!

If this sounds helpful, well, good luck to you. If this sounds terrifying, there's a meeting of the 'back the the land club' coming up in London next week. Text us, no, er, write us, and we'll tell you the details.

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